Whats the origin of Santa Claus?

Once upon a time on Christmas Eve there was an obese home intruding pedophile who was trying to molest small children while they were sleeping. Unfortunately, one of the small children woke up and asked who he was, and so being skilled at coming up with excuses for eyeballing small children, he quickly said his name was Santa and he was here to give the children presents if they were good and obeyed his wishes.